We Are So Back
Well, this newsletter is, at least.
You may have heard this before if you know anyone who’s ever been there, but Portugal is so good — 10/10, top-tier country, would recommend. Lisbon is one of my favorite cities I’ve ever visited, and Madeira is even better than it appears on RHOP. (Relatedly, we’ve been watching season five, and Matt loses it every single time they show the clip of T’Challa lunging at Wendy and the haunted blue specter of Michael Darby on Candiace’s phone.) What I would not recommend is returning to work after ten days away. Terrible! But I have persevered and am now basically caught up on my most urgent tasks, by which I mean watching bad television, of course.
THESE WEEKS IN BRAVO
RHOA
This reunion has showcased the worst of Andy’s moderation abilities, but imagine how much worse it would be with Brit’s voice in the mix of everyone talking over each other. Also, I’m going to call it now: I think Angela might be the first to break the sophomore season curse; she has the humility and authenticity needed to avoid flying too close to the sun.
Below Deck
Another early call: This is the first great OG BD season of the post-Kate era. I’ve been entertaining this opinion for weeks, and the overnight villa stay — an innovation that should become a permanent fixture across all BD franchises — sealed it.
The Valley
Every week, this section of the newsletter is an “ugh, Jax” before I delete it and write something more specific, and I’m thrilled that I won’t have to do that next season. He is an awful person, his dark energy brings down his colleagues, and — as the finale showed in full detail — whatever talent he once had for driving authentic reality television conflict is long dead. He will not be missed.
Next Gen NYC
I loved this season so much and can’t wait for the next — it was chaotic, low-stakes, light-hearted, and funny, and it helped me forget about this garbage world for 42 minutes every week. My only notes for season 2 are that Ava does not need to return, we could see a little less of Seth Marks, and if we don’t get 15+ episodes and a two-part reunion, I will make it everybody’s problem.
RHOM
Huge season for those of us who have long believed Julia to be a covert asshole who fools people because she’s an atrocious dresser with hapless energy and therefore not traditionally bitch-coded.
RHOC
I hate a pile-on season, so these first few RHOC episodes have made me leery, but the possibility that Tamra and Gretchen will finally succeed in their years-long quest for mutual destruction keeps me hanging on. They are my number-one Bite Each Other’s Dicks Off scenario (non-politics category) of all time.
TALES FROM THE VILLA
I still have not finished this season of LI US, and, in the spirit of total transparency, if anyone but Amaya had won, I would have bailed. But let’s pretend I’ve seen the finale and treat this as a take wrap-up:
I retract my prior opinion that this season was poorly cast. I now think the casting was mostly fine but that people were brought into the villa in a suboptimal order for creating good relationship drama. Like, how is anyone who is getting paid legal tender to produce reality television not giving Hannah — the only person who truly understood the assignment imho — an OG slot? Wouldn’t we all have had more fun if Huda had been a chaotic, short-lived bombshell? What might have happened if hot stoner icons Iris and Pepe hadn’t been brought in at the same time, or if Chris and Jaden had switched slots?
If you are shipping Nicolandria as anything more than a summer fling, you need to heal your attachment wounds, sorry. She is not spending the rest of her life with a child who is registered Republican, and he is going to lose interest the second she stops keeping him at arms’ length, just like he did with Cierra. I get that this season was giving Purity Ring Island and we were desperate for any scraps of physical chemistry, but come on.
If I put my whole life on hold to be trapped in that villa for the summer and had to put up with Huda’s tantrums and Ace’s weird control-freak manipulations, I would be livid.
FUTURE DEVELOPMENTS
WHERE IS THE RHOSLC TRAILER THAT WAS TEASED WEEKS AGO?
MISCELLANEOUS GOSSIP CORNER
Aaron’s weird eyes are going the way of Jax.
Contracts class is gonna blow this little asshole’s mind.