005. Our Old Cujo
No longer the most memorable bachelorette party in RHOA history
This Week’s Pairing: Camel Lights
I don’t know if this is Kim Zolciak’s brand of choice (if you do, please let me know so I can update; Google did not shine any light on this urgent query). But if memory serves, this is the only vacation Kim actually attends during her tenure on the show, and the one thing I enjoy about her is her willingness to chain cigs on camera, so here we are.
I believe the two things that separate a great reality show from a good reality show are how funny it is and how authentic the cast’s interactions feel, and that’s why Real Housewives of Atlanta1 will always have a special place in my personal Bravo rankings. While it’s had plenty of dark conflicts and hard-to-watch friendship breakups, these women are — with a few notable exceptions — so funny and they seem genuinely entertained by each other. No other cast both engages in shit-talk and embraces being its subject as artfully as Atlanta’s in its golden era.
That foundation shines through during the season 3 Miami trip. Yes, it’s a bachelorette trip that the bride-to-be — Cynthia Bailey, one of the most beautiful people on earth — doesn’t want to celebrate. And yes, it begins with patron saint of reaction .gifs Nene Leakes and sentient red Solo cup Kim Zolciak screaming obscenities at each other. But, aside from that, everyone else (Kandi Burruss, Sheree Whitfield, Phaedra Parks, and assorted friends-of and assistants) seems to be having a great time and cultivating positive vibes.
Who Won the Vacation?
Kim vs. Nene
Before Kandi’s tour bus joins up with the rest of the traveling party in Miami, on-again/off-again best friends Kim and Nene get into one of their many fast-escalating fights on board. Kim confronts Nene about the fact that Nene has been talking shit about Kim’s “music” “career,” and Nene fires back by saying “you think you can talk to people like they’re a slave, your slave is behind you” — referring to Kim’s put-upon assistant Sweetie, who is also a black woman.
It’s not a great moment for Nene — who does go on to clarify that she’s describing the way Kim treats Sweetie, not Sweetie herself — and I have to wonder how this would play out in today’s era of Bravo attempting (with mixed-to-bad results) to acknowledge that racism exists and is bad. That being said, Kim is terrible to Sweetie in a way that absolutely seems racist.2 She’s rude to everyone, including/especially those who work for her, but she’s way harsher to Sweetie and has a massive sense of entitlement around her labor.
WINNER: It’s a draw. Nene is correct that Kim is a bad singer and a worse boss, but she never should have forced Sweetie to board the rollercoaster that is the Kim-Nene friendship.
Cynthia vs. Peter
Peter isn’t physically present on this trip, but he won’t let geography keep him from his greatest passion in life: getting into women’s business.3 His financial troubles are a dark cloud hovering over his and Cynthia’s looming nuptials, and she’s palpably overwhelmed during the entire trip, taking on a modeling job for extra money and bursting into tears in response to Kandi asking an innocuous question about their honeymoon plans (which Nene then tries to leverage as an opportunity to leave the trip early so she can avoid Kim, which: lol).
It’s tough to watch, and while the other women’s suggestions that she postpone — or, per Sheree, call off — the wedding are sound, they also aren’t taking into consideration the massive material and emotional sunk costs at play. There really are no good options here, especially for a people-pleaser like Cynthia.
WINNER: Cynthia,4 who in retrospect should have called off the wedding.
Trendwatch
While the clothes are supremely 2011 and Kim’s wig is Kim’s wig, everything else pales in comparison to the aesthetics of the house the cast stays in, owned by Kim’s “friend,” real estate developer Thomas Kramer. As the Bill Hader Stefon bit goes, it has everything — including but not limited to a red exterior, a collection of cursed pig figurines, at least a dozen kitschy sculptures, a half-finished ceiling mural, and a taxidermied childhood dog.
Regrettably Relatable
Kandi is as conflict-averse as a person can be while still being a top-tier Real Housewife, and her unwillingness to get involved in the Kim-Nene tour bus fight is a perfect example of what I mean by that. It just sort of happens around her against her will, and she knows that anything she might do to try to end it will only make it worse, so she simply waits it out and vents to everyone else later — the only sane strategy when you’re in a confined space with any number of hotheads.
Also, Phaedra walking around Thomas’s house doing her running commentary on everything she lays eyes on? Perfect and completely accurate. I rewatched this episode during pandemic lockdown and almost started to cry about how much I missed going over to people’s houses and judging their horrible decor. And, while her heel turn soured me on Phaedra forever, she was so much fun back when she was just a well-meaning martian who was excited to visit our planet and learn about our human customs, death rituals, and gestational periods.
Wise Words
My favorite thing about Sheree — one of the funniest members of this very funny cast — is that she has a grounded, rational perception of others that she has never once, not even for a second, applied to her own self. This leads to an impeccable talking head moment where she matter-of-factly says, “There was definitely something going on between Kim and Thomas.”
What’s on Deck
I like myself and you too much to pretend there’s anything noteworthy about Alexis, Gretchen, and Peggy of Orange County going to San Antonio for two nights (as do Bravo’s editors, since the footage from that “trip” makes up less than half of its episode), so we’re skipping ahead to the Countess’s iconic camel ride. Watch episodes 8 through 10 of RHONY season 4 (“Misfortune Teller,” “A Riad Divided,” and “Last Call, Morocco!”) to prepare, if you so choose.
New York and Potomac are my other all-time favorites for this precise reason.
Especially since Kim has said multiple racist things to/about her castmates before and since this incident — she’s arguably Bravo’s most brazen racist, which is saying a lot.
I can’t wait for this man to show his face again in the new season of Potomac. Gizelle’s bad taste in men never disappoints.
Not to kill the mystery so early in this journey but just to be clear: I will never declare a man the winner of any conflict between a straight couple that’s aired on Bravo.