026. Our Underground Railroad
It’s a euphemism, baby
This Week’s Pairing: That Incredible Macaroni and Cheese
Is there anything better to soak up a few cocktails with?
I have watched the Atlanta trip to Savannah wtih Cynthia Bailey, Kandi Burruss, Nene Leakes, Kenya Moore, Phaedra Parks, Porsha Williams, and friend-of Mynique Smith numerous times, and I never remember anything that happens except Porsha revealing that she understands the Underground Railroad to be an actual, physical railroad. It’s a perfect display of delusional confidence, and the other women’s reactions — including Phaedra’s patient but bewildered “It’s a euphemism, baby.” and Kandi’s firm “No. No.” when Porsha starts trying to explain herself for the fifth time — send me through the roof every time. Peak Atlanta had the most naturally funny cast of any Bravo series, and this moment is a perfect encapsulation of that.
Who Won the Vacation?
Everyone v. Timeliness
While this trip is ultimately quite tame on the disagreement front, it doesn’t get off to a promising start because, in the words of our host Nene, “Once again, we encounter extreme tardiness.” She’s told the women to arrive at her place at 11:00 am so they can depart from there, and only Mynique and Kenya manage to get there before 11:30.
Cynthia pops in around noon, followed closely by Porsha who insists she’s not technically late because she wasn’t the last to arrive. At 1:45, Kandi arrives — freely admitting that she’s late in part because she ran to get Chick-Fil-A — and Phaedra finally gets there at 2:00, justifying her tardiness with a “the last shall be first.” Needless to say, Nene isn’t thrilled, but she manages to keep from losing her temper over this even though Kenya spends most of the three-hour wait trying to goad her into fighting with those who were delayed.
WINNER: Linear time comes for us all, I fear.
Kenya v. Kandi
The unending battle against the clock transitions into a fight on the van between Kenya — who’s still blatantly trying to bait Nene into getting angry with the other women by delivering a big lecture about the importance of timeliness — and Kandi — who’s not having any of Kenya’s authoritative posturing. In case there were any question about whether Kenya actually cares about timeliness or is just stirring shit up, she delivers her big lecture while standing up in the van… thus delaying their departure even further.
WINNER: Kandi wins by default because she isn’t manifesting hall monitor energy. My sincerest apologies to any youngest children out there reading this, but an eldest daughter writes this newsletter, so it’s an anti-tattling and an anti-picking battles that aren’t yours zone.
Nene v. Cynthia
During breakfast one morning, Cynthia mentions that her 13-year-old daughter Noelle has a boyfriend and explains what their cute little heavily supervised dates look like. Nene immediately starts going off about how this is a terrible idea, Cynthia is too permissive, and permissive moms of teenage girls make it harder for moms of teenage boys — like Nene — to rein their sons in.
Cynthia counters that when parents make something totally off-limits to their teenagers, they’ll pursue it behind their parents’ backs in ways they really wouldn’t like. Nene doesn’t engage with this point, instead hammering home her monologue until Cynthia bursts into tears and leaves the table, and then she leaves the other women to reassure Cynthia that she’s a good mom.
The gender politics Nene tries to articulate here are bizarre, and the whole thing is made even weirider by the fact that what Cynthia describes of this young romance and the guidance she gives her daughter about it is not permissive at all. You would think from Nene’s reaction that Cynthia said “I bought Noelle and her boyfriend a box of condoms and a bottle of UV Blue,” not “I sometimes give Noelle and her boyfriend rides to and from the mall, where they walk around and hold hands.”
WINNER: Even if I didn’t think Cynthia was in the right here, I’d give her the win anyway because Nene goes way too hard over a minor difference in parenting philosophies.
Who Got the Best Room?
Usually this segment is reserved for RHONY, but because Kenya puts a lot of effort into trying and failing to get Nene riled up about it, I feel obligated to note that Kandi gets the best room even though 1) Nene is the host of the trip, and 2) Kandi was late (see above).
Trendwatch
Due to being a hater, I’ve hated many trends in my time, and this trip reminded me of one I hated so much that I had to block it out of my mind the second it fell out of style: the peep toe heeled bootie. It’s a hideous concept to begin with, but Porsha and Nene take it to new heights with a gold sparkly, spiked pair and a black-and-white pair with laces, respectively.
Regrettably Relatable
The flying cockroach moment is an obvious choice here — anybody would scream if a bug that big found its way into a place they had to sleep — but there’s so much shrieking about nature on these shows that I want to focus instead on the great little moment where Phaedra and Kandi go on a walk to shit-talk Kenya only to get distracted by the sight of a hearse tour. The image thrills them so much they simply have to chase it down and ask the passengers and driver — a man who self-identifies as “Old Peg Leg Ron” — a litany of questions, and my curious (some would say nosy) ass felt so seen.
Wise Words
Even though Porsha is now divorced from Kordell, we somehow end up having to watch another van argument where she extols the virtues of women being submissive to their husbands and the other women once again chime in with a lot of sage takes about relationships being partnerships between two adult equals. It’s tiring, but between the return of the bizarre marital respectability politics and the Underground Railroad incident, this trip provides a remarkable benchmark for how far our Porsha has come.
What’s on Deck
Puerto Rico is one of my favorite places on earth, and I’m thrilled to go there with Beverly Hills in the next newsletter. If you’re watching along, catch up with episodes 17 and 18 of season 4.