It's a rocket ship.
My journey into the Below Deck cinematic universe
For the last several weeks, I’ve been in the process of moving, which it goes without saying I do not recommend. The only good things about it are 1) I’m moving in with my boyfriend and therefore I get to hang out with him more, and 2) I’ve seized this opportunity to enter my Steven Soderbergh era and background-binge the Belows Deck in chronological order.
A program I have previously only been exposed to in random installations while on the treadmill at the gym, Below Deck is one of the last Bravo frontiers I have yet to explore in depth, and its greatest selling point is that an in-depth exploration only demands about 3% of one’s cognitive bandwidth. Every charter has the same structure; each conflict among the workers is depicted repeatedly; frequent cast churn means there’s next to no lore carryover from season to season, and what little there is warrants multiple helpful flashbacks.
But, even though you don’t need a Real Housewives-caliber mental map of alliances and grudges to make sense of the Below Deck cinematic universe, it’s still a Bravo program, and therefore it demands that the viewer take sides on petty debates that manifest within an ecosystem of extremely shitty behavior. Midway through Below Deck Sailing Yacht season 2, here’s where I land.
THE GOOD
The operational processes
I’m a How It’s Made bitch at my core, and I love getting to see how each charter experience comes together. If I have one complaint about the franchise, it’s that it could use more provisioning scenes.
Kate Chastain, burnout queen
(Below Deck seasons 2-7)1
Is Kate nice? No. Does Kate accurately represent my attitude at the end of my previous job, where I was extraordinarily overworked and tied myself in knots trying to actualize my own very high standards in spite of not actually caring about any of it anymore? Yes.
Captain Lee’s approach to the English language
(BD seasons 1-8)
There’s a bar near my new house whose sign reads “Welcome, Sports Fans” and every time I pass it, I think of Captain Lee and smile to myself. I love his weird little sayings and his unrepentant garbage mouth.
Aesha
(Below Deck Mediterranean seasons 4-5)
For as much as I enjoy Kate’s cynical, mumbly bitch vibe, I love Below Deck Med’s loud, peppy ray of sunshine equally. Not only would I have loved having her positive energy around when I worked service jobs, but I also have deep respect for how open she’s been about her past experiences with sexual assault. It’s clear that she wants to share the affirmation and empathy she received with others, and it’s such a vital counterweight to the gross misogyny that recurs throughout the franchise.
Connie
(BD season 3)
Chaotic women on reality television often come across as trying too hard or graspinng for screen time. Maybe Connie benefited from her proximity to Rocky, who absolutely was putting on a show, but I found her energy genuine and likable, and I appreciated that she’s equally devoted to work and fun.
Eddie
(BD seasons 1-3, 8)
As evidenced by my propensity toward crushes on NBA coaches, I love a flustered man. And that’s why, to me, extremely flustered season 8 bosun Eddie is the most attractive man who’s ever been on Bravo. This is an incredible rebound, too — for as exhausting as season 3’s Rocky was, Eddie didn’t exactly crown himself in glory with the way he treated her.
All the smoking
(The whole series but especially the Europe-based seasons)
This is, as previously established, a pro-smoking on Bravo newsletter.2
THE BAD
The Bru Crew
(BD season 7)
Nothing has tested my anti-death penalty position the way these men did. I truly do not understand how they thought their behavior would translate onscreen as anything but the perverse Lord of the Flies-Andrew Tate hybrid that unfolded.
Captain Sandy
(BDM seasons 2-5)
Hypothetically, a leader who continuously chooses the opposite of a reasonable decision at every turn should result in good television, but Sandy’s judgment is so bad she even fucks that up. The only thing she loves more than throwing people into roles they’re not qualified for is picking favorites who invariably suck. But what else could we expect from someone who unironically uses the phrase “teamwork makes the dream work”?
Malia and Bugsy
(BDM seasons 2 and 5)
Two of the previously referenced favorites who suck, the only positive thing I can say about these two is that they have a promising future as feds. Malia will be on the next season of Winter House and I’m devastated that Lindsay Hubbard won’t be present to get activated against her — you know Malia is exactly stupid enough to pick that fight.
Joao
(BDM seasons 3-4)
Another of Sandy’s favorites, this man should be put in a lab at the Mommy Issues Institute and studied.
Mila
(BDM season 4)
To Sandy’s credit, she at least managed to correctly judge that a homophobic, Putin-supporting producer plant who can’t even make nachos should be fired.
Rhylee
(BD seasons 6 and 7)
While she took a lot of sexist, unnecessary shit from the Bru Crew, Rhylee also has a hair-trigger temper that would make her a nightmare of a colleague in her own right. To quote the only moment I still remember from Broad City: Who yells?
Chef Natasha
(Below Deck Sailing Yacht season 2)
Obviously her off-putting energy, refusal to make eggs to order, and inability to accept feedback aren’t great. But they pale in comparison to her insistence upon putting food directly on the table during a season that was filmed in the summer of 2020.
Gary
(BDSY season 2)
Third Stew Brain Worms
(A pervasive problem)
I understand that the laundry room is as good a place for a producer plant as any, but where is Bravo finding these people? I can empathize with hating being told what to do, but there’s a real trend on this franchise in which the stews who have the most difficulty taking direction are often the ones who need it the most. On OG Below Deck in particular, there’s also a trend of stews trying to steal the spotlight from Kate — the show’s ostensible protagonist — and failing miserably due to lack of charisma.
I’m including the context of my exposure to each person here as my opinions are wont to change.
Justice for the purportedly cancelled Real Girlfriends of Paris.